What I now face

It is very hard for me to understand sometimes why certain things in my life do not work the way I would like them to. You may be asking what I would be speaking of? It is so hard these days to show someone that you are a good person, that you aren't like everyone else. Human nature is compare and contrast and make assumptions. I feel like people automatically put a label on me, as if they already know who I am without even taking the time to really get to know me.

I often wonder why I am still single. I honestly don't understand it. I have a good job, a good head on my shoulders, and I have a huge hart. I try to be there for people. I try to help out as much as I can. I try to show people that I am really someone that they can talk to and rely on. In the end what I find out of every guy I meet is the same thing over and over. They try to convince me that they are interested in me, and then only after they have taken advantage of me and got what they needed from me, whatever that may be; they drop me like a hot tomato.

What did I do? Or what am I doing wrong? I sit here crying at night asking the same questions over and over again, and I get no answers. I try to be understanding and open minded about the whole issue. What I find is that regardless, it does not make any difference.

I meet guys, but they always have some issue with me. Whats funny is, I have done everything I could possibly do to make my self a better person. I go to the gym, I have a good job, I have an education. What the fuck else do guys want these days? I really don't understand it at all. I have so much to offer someone, and whats funny is most guys are blinded by it.

Rene and I have been talking more and more. I think we are relying on each other to keep both our sanity. I think its good. Some of the old time sake relationship has actually come back, not to say we are in one, we are not. But the boo and rawr has come back which always puts a smile on my face. I like it because I know and so does he that those words stay between him and I....no one else.

Still, everyday I wake up, and everyday I go to sleep I think about him and what could have been. It is all now a faded memory, and a very hard lesson which I am still learning but have gained so much from. If anything it has opened my eyes to so much, that I did not see before.

Sparky keeps me company, he is one of the only things I have left. A few days ago Rene sent me a message, saying how he missed me and wanted a hug. If I could have gone through the phone I would have. I honestly can't wait to see him, and give him a hug. The last memory I have of him is one that quite honestly is burned in my memory forever.

I wish I could find someone to love me, someone to be there for me, someone to lean on, someone to love, someone to take care of. To laugh and cry and spend time with. All I have is the same thing I have had for 26 years. A very old bear named Charlie who has been through more then most people dare go through. Years of abuse by my father and soaked tears. The yelling and screaming and fighting that perused. Sadly a bear is all that I had to guide me down the road of keeping my head on straight. Some would argue that this is questionable but, I think that if didn't have it on right, I would have found out about it long before this.

There of course is all the other issues I am dealing with. My parents, my sister, my own medical problems, work, school, and my car. It seems like almost too much. Talking to Rene always makes me feel better, even though I am reminded of past wrongs. I think it is good to talk about though, it keeps be pointed in the right direction.

I hope I can find someone to hold at night. I have met someone, but I honestly do not know what is going through his mind or what he really thinks. All I can do is hope that it is good and not bad. I want to tell him it will be ok, that things will work out and hold him and kiss him. I know that I have to make sure I do not try to push things too fast. I do not want to scare him away.

Tomorrow is a new day, and starts my long weekend of work. I still do not know what the plan is for thanksgiving. I am honestly really upset over the whole thing. I wish I could have what I had last year with Tia Vero and her wonderful family, but that is only a dream now. No family, no real friends to spend Thanksgiving or Xmas with, it is very upsetting, I cried about this a few times, which only made me feel better for a short period of time.

Time for bed, tomorrow comes early, I will try not to cry myself to sleep...again.

So I am from now on, going to write my thoughts and feelings on here, myspace is a thing of the past and I find very little use for it these days. It seems that myspace has become a thing of the past.

Life for me as I look back at the last ten months has changed so drastically, I myself have changed in more ways then I can think. I think one of the most important is that I finally accomplished what I set out to do. I was hired with an airline, and now I am directly responsible for commuting people from one point to another...I am responsible for their safety and in short their lives.

Whats even more amazing was what came with the new job. Days off, health insurance, new friends, co workers who I love to death and a company that actually cares about me, and is ok with who I am. I hated moving to Alaska, but it was the only option I had at the time other then to stay where I was. I have learned over the years that in order to take a step ahead, you sometimes have to take a step back. I miss California so much, I love it there and I fully plan on moving back after my two year contract is up with PenAir.

I received my SIC type rating in the Saab 340, which officially marks the end of the long and painful process I went through to get it. When I look back, I almost cannot believe I went through all that and made it, but I guess it goes to show how string I actually am. Two weeks of indoc, three weeks of systems with a final exam that allot of people fail and get told to go home. Then two weeks in the sim with the biggest ass whole on earth...Then twelve hours of flying with five different check airman only to be signed of by the same ass whole. I look back in disbelieve almost. How did I do that? I still do not know how I was able to keep myself together, but I did, and I am so glad the hard part is finally over. I now have 350 hours in the Saab, and I am very comfortable flying the 30 passenger turbo prop around. I have fun, and I thank god that my prayers where answered.

I still go to church as much as I can, I find nower days that I spend allot of time their. Mostly praying for others, my mother, my sister, Rene and his family. I spoke to him a few days ago, only to learn that his mother is not making life for him very easy. It makes me thankful that I have my mother, and it makes me realize once again that things could always be worse.

Both of my tattoos have healed now, I keep forgetting to take pictures of them and put them on facebook, I just keep getting distracted. I have lost some weight, but I find that I am gaining it back now in muscle, but I am going to try to stay under 200 lbs, but I dont know if I can do it, since I am a bulky guy to begin with.

The love life department for me has been very rocky, Joe broke my hart, and now I am just focusing on myself. Advice Rene gave me and for which I am very thankful for. I am so happy that I am talking to him, i thank god every day.

The guys I do meet are all the same. It is depressing for me, they are only interested in sex. Nothing else. Relationship? They really have no idea what that is. They don't even bother to get to know me at all. It irritates me to no end, its depressing and sad, and it makes me wonder if I will ever find anyone. I know also that because I live up here in Alaska that the men I do talk to in the lower 48 usually are not interested in talk to me once they find out where I live. One more reason to move back to California after I am done here.

Other then that, I received flight instructor of the year for the state of California, I had the highest pass rate in the state. I am going to Oklahoma City to the FAA main office for training as a DPE and hopefully soon I will be making extra money. Which will allow me to do allot of things.

As for my hobbies, I want to go home in November and get my Violin and start playing again as I was so good in high school. I finally figured out how to get my bike up here from California. I plan on dismantling it piece by piece and having it shipped up here via fedex. Since I get a 90% discount with them, it should cost me close to nothing. I also found a shop in Santa Ana that will chrome all the parts I want. When I am done rebuilding the engine and all my bike is going to be the best looking up here for sure. I love working on it, its a hobby of mine.

Tomorrow I was supposed to be on reserve, but when I called in and check the recorded schedule I learned that I have a 950am cold bay and sand point triangle to fly with Dan Cook who is really cool, one of the better Captains I would say. After that I am coming home and taking a nap then going to the gym as usual. Time for bed I will revisit this tomorrow.