Living in fear...

Things at Pen Air have gotten bad...Who knows how long I will keep my job...At this point I really don't give a shit...really...Im tired of living in a world of fear. You can't take a shit without permission there, and it seems like things have gotten worse. I have decided that if I loose my job, and I can't get a new one, I am going to switch careers, maybe get into the medical field doing admin work, something where I work a more regular schedule and not deal with all the bullshit.

I have the education, and the experience to do it, so who cares at this point...really...I am having to accept things as they are with Dennis, although if he decides to up and leave, then I may just leave town for good, I will stay long enough to save up for a trailer and a hitch for my car, and fix the bike, after that I am gone. Not sure where I will end up? I thought about moving back to cali, but have no idea where I would go?

Long beach would be a good place, theres allot of training that goes on there. They pay well from what I remember...
If not, then to new york, go life with my aunt and uncle...

Walking with no direction

It is funny how life is. You think you know what you want, then you get it, and you find out that maybe its not what you want after all...

This year has been a rough one, one of the roughest I have had since 2003. I am at a job that does not pay very well, regardless of how nice the job is, and I have a man who honestly Ican not say for sure what his intentions are.

I have decided for my own good that I will take up a job with the F.A.A., it pays more money, and in 20 years I could retire. My only challenge is getting hired. Its a Monday through Friday job, and all federal holidays are off. I like the flying, but I hate the schedule. I have no life, and since my major goal is to have a steady relationship, I have to find something else.

If I could go back 12 years I would, I would have never gone to school, that is a private one, and I probably would not pursue what I did, its too unstable. I also found out that I owe the IRS back taxes from 2009. I now have to pay them in payments, and more then likely pick up a second job at night three nights a week.

Things with my parents are hopeless, I have decided just not to deal with them anymore for the most part. I have been talking with my Aunt who lives in New York, with my uncle, I told them that if things get really bad and I end up on the street, I will probably go there, because if I go home, I would probably kill myself and just finally end my misery.

The cold hard truth that I am finding is that I am alone in this world, and no one really gives a shit. The guy I helped out for a few months who had aids left yesterday and did not even say thank you. People in this world are cold, cruel and mean, and even worse don't care.

To be honest there were two things I wanted out of life, one was to find a person who really gives a shit about me, and the second was to find a good job. I came out ok with the job, with the exception of the pay, but finding a person, that was a different story. I really have no idea what is in store for me with Dennis. It will be interesting to see how the rest of this year plays out.

There are allot of questions I have no answers to, and no one to talk to who will listen or give me any advice. I have been trying to bid weekends off to spend time with him, but I have decided that although I will keep doing that for now, if I don't get them, oh well...I will try to trade, but we all know that is next to impossible, since everyone likes to have the weekends off.

My living situation is ok, for now, I found out that my roomates will not be selling the house for two years, so I have some time on that I guess. I do have to fix my car...again. I have the next three days to do that.

I am very scared to know what the road lies ahead for me, and what the outcome will be. I keep asking god for help and give me some direction.

Day by Day

For the past few weeks I have literally living day by day. At times it seems as if time itself stands still. Things with Dennis are ok, but I have noticed some things that still make me wounder. After the incident with his ithouch, he no longer leaves it in plane view, that is somewhere I can easily reach it. Is he hiding something...who knows. He really does not talk to me about work, although I ask him all the time how things are going. I am also finding out that even though he has yet to tell me, there is allot more to his past then I think he wants me to know. Also, he has asked allot of his friends to join his hockey team, but when I mention that maybe I will join, he really does not say too much. Is it because he thinks I wouldn't be a good player or what?

My ED has been an issue as well, probably because of all the things I am dealing with, with him. I don't want it to be an issue at all, but it is. And the medication does work, but there is planning that is involved with it, and its not been easy because I never really know when he wants to have sex.

Through all of this, I still love him, I think perhaps it is in part that he is the only thing I have left, I know that sounds bad, but I know its true. I do love him for many other reasons, too many to list here. The question I keep asking myself is, is it worth dealing with eveything else?

Whats funny is when we do spend time together, I can't seem to get enough of it. I love the way he is, such a cuddle whore and so loving and caring. I am pritty sure he loves me and cares about me, if he didn't he would not have helped me out they way he did this weekend giving me gas for my car and all when I had no money.

Week after week goes bye, and before I know it six month will have gone bye. Dennis talks about us going to Fairbanks in July and then Seattle in August. So I am guessing he wants to be with me. There have been other things though, that he has said to me that never really surfaced. Such as him telling me that he would put me on his health insurance. I don't know why but something told me that was allot of b.s.

What I cannot for the life of me understand is why he tells me he loves me and everything else, if he really does not want to be with me? I know he's no using me, because if he was, everything would be one sided and its not. So what is it? He says he wants to be with me, he says he loves me. What else can I ask for right?

I hope it is all true. I hope he is not just bullshitting me. If I loose him, I literally have nothing left. All I have ever wanted is someone to love, and them love me back, in every way possible. I hope he is the one. I want him to be the one, and this b.s. be over with. I am almost 30, and I don't want to play this game anymore. I am scarred, upset, depressed and just tired. I ask god why this is happening to me, and I still have no answer.

I hope things work out. I am still waiting for the schedule for May to come out, so I know weather or not I need to trade days on the 14th for the bus run, which I am determined to go on. Hopefully things work out. I pray that they do.

On Unstable Ground

Once again, it has been a while since I have posted anything on here. It seems that my troubles have gotten the best of me yet again.

Things with Dennis I feel are up and down. I think more and more that it just may be me that is having the ups and downs, but then again, I have always had good instincts. The fact that he is on Grindr and Manhunt bothers me. Not because I do not trust him, but more of that fact that other who are are there I simply do not trust. I have asked allot of people about this, and I have gotten both sides of the coin in regards to answer. Some say not to worry about it, since his profile does say he has a partner and he is not looking.

This whole thing started when I heard rumors from my room mates who heard from their friends that he had posted adds on craigslist. Of course, it was several months before I met him, the fact remains that he was one there. I have found however that I contradict myself. I had said to him that whatever happened in the past was in the past, and not to worry about it. I am now finding it hard to just forget about all that and move on. He had told me about past hookups he has had with certain people, but then I hear other stories from others that he had other encounters with people I do not even know.

In retrospect, I guess I really cannot speak very much since I myself am guilty of the same thing when I first got into college, but never the less it still bothers me. I keep asking why he has to be on there? Why can't he just use face book, or something to that affect. But then I remember that it is allot easier to talk to gay friends who are on a gay site, rather then a medium which is more generalized.

The fact is I know I love him, with all my heart. I think about him everyday, this is how I know. That and the fact that I worry so much, and loose sleep over it. Today is Friday and usually by 7 or 8 I would make my way over to his place. I will have to take the bus because I wrecked my car, so this will prove to be an adventure in itself. Of course this is assuming that he will answer my text, or message or whatever way I can get a hold of him. I am afraid that he will not answer and I will not get to see him, but I can still go over there, or worse of text Sara, his room mate which is a last resort.

I pissed off Rene to no end, and honestly I have only myself to blame. You would have thought that I would have learned my lesson when I had mentioned Stephen when him and I were still together, but I guess thats just another lesson I still need to learn, and now I will learn the hard way. Rene and I had come so far in becoming friends, our relationship was better then it was when we were dating, and now he will not talk to me at all, and I know not to call him.

It was wrong of me to mention Dennis to him. Even though he kept asking me what was wrong, I should have not given in to his demands. I love Rene to death, and would do anything for him, but the only thing I can do now is leave him alone. The more I bother him, the more I will piss him off.

I truly thought I would be happy after I got my job, but I am finding out the hard way something which I already knew was true. All the money and power in the world can not make up for having someone in your life who loves you no matter what. Sex, money whatever else you can think of cannot replace it, nothing can.

My fear that I will be left single is coming true. Men these days do not want to commit to anything, they fear being tied down to one person. Its easier to just get what you want and then walk away like nothing ever happened. To me it is childish, irresponsible and just wrong. But never the less, men do it all the time and think nothing of it. Like it was of no consequence, which in many was is true except for one thing. Your heart will never heal.

I have maintained for years that I would never become a person like that, and no matter what happens, I will stand my ground. I deserve better. I am a giving, loving person who has helped so many people and never expected anything in return.

The distance between me and Dennis is in my mind widening, and it will be very interesting to see what happens. I hope for my sake, and my heart that I am wrong. Otherwise my whole world and everything around it will come crashing down once again.

I pray that someday Rene will forgive me, if he knows me well enough, he knows I did not mean to heart him on purpose. I would never in a million years do that to him.

Please god help me, help me with Dennis, and let him be the last person I am ever with.

Hope

It has been a while since I have posted anything on here...so for that I apologize. There is so much to say, I really do not know where to begin.

Ismal, the guy I met before Christmas hardly texts me anymore. I finally realized that despite my hope that he was different, he really wasn't. He was just looking for a hook up, and I can honestly say that I can hold my head high and state for a fact that I did not hook up with him. I am not that kind of person, and I am not only very proud of myself, but I shows me how strong I am, and how mature I have become and how high my morals and values are.

Things at work are going well, I am once again studying for recurrent sim. I spent today studying performance and limitations as well as profiles for the sim come next month. I got allot done. I will be going back tomorrow to study more, provided I am not called into work as I am on reserve.

In the mist of all this, two things of come up. When I was not looking I met someone. I was at Myrna's on new years and met Dennis. I had seen him before, but what I did not know which I could come to find out is that he had a crush on me, for almost four months. I was immediately attacked to him, and he I. He is everything I ever wanted and more. Hes straight acting, athletic into hockey. Hes a bottom, although you would never know it. Hes also a native, but he is very cute and has a really nice body. He his a good heart and a good head on his shoulders. I really really want this to work. I am willing to give him the world, I just hope he's honest with me. I think he his, but im not putting my guard down for a second.

We are technically dating, he has spent the night here once so far, and I have spent the night there once, which was new years. I have spent time at his place, and he is huge cuddle whore, which I really love allot. Its exactly what I need, and whats a bonus is the sex is really good, and he is a really good kisser. I love it. I could totally see myself falling in love with him. If things continue to go well, I am going to ask him to be my boyfriend officially, hopefully he says yes.

I am praying to god this works, I could totally see myself spending my life with him, if he wants me.

A few days ago I got a text from Rene. I was totally not expecting what would be said. He told me for the first time since we broke up, which ironically will be a year next month. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do. I am completely lost. I know this, almost always when someone is drunk, their true feelings come out...no questions asked.

The truth is, if I was not dating Dennis, I would go back to Rene, if he would have me, but I know Rene, and I know he would never do that. I am not mad at him, im not upset with him. I am glad he told me how he really feels. I love him with all my heart, and I pray for him everyday. Last we spoke he was working things out with his mom. I am happy that things in that department with him are improving, I know it was something that was on his mind.

I know this, I love him with all my heart, through and through and that will never change. I want to be his best friend for life, be there for him no matter what, I know from my end I will always be there no matter what, and so will he. As of now, I know Rene is distancing himself from me once again. I know this because this is what he does when things like this happen. So I will do my best to leave him alone for now. In a few weeks I will text him and things will be fine, and we will be talking again, and playing WOW.

As for every thing else, nothing has changed. My parents have not changed, which at this point I really do not care about anymore. Well its time for bed. I will wright again soon...goodnight.