Walking with no direction

It is funny how life is. You think you know what you want, then you get it, and you find out that maybe its not what you want after all...

This year has been a rough one, one of the roughest I have had since 2003. I am at a job that does not pay very well, regardless of how nice the job is, and I have a man who honestly Ican not say for sure what his intentions are.

I have decided for my own good that I will take up a job with the F.A.A., it pays more money, and in 20 years I could retire. My only challenge is getting hired. Its a Monday through Friday job, and all federal holidays are off. I like the flying, but I hate the schedule. I have no life, and since my major goal is to have a steady relationship, I have to find something else.

If I could go back 12 years I would, I would have never gone to school, that is a private one, and I probably would not pursue what I did, its too unstable. I also found out that I owe the IRS back taxes from 2009. I now have to pay them in payments, and more then likely pick up a second job at night three nights a week.

Things with my parents are hopeless, I have decided just not to deal with them anymore for the most part. I have been talking with my Aunt who lives in New York, with my uncle, I told them that if things get really bad and I end up on the street, I will probably go there, because if I go home, I would probably kill myself and just finally end my misery.

The cold hard truth that I am finding is that I am alone in this world, and no one really gives a shit. The guy I helped out for a few months who had aids left yesterday and did not even say thank you. People in this world are cold, cruel and mean, and even worse don't care.

To be honest there were two things I wanted out of life, one was to find a person who really gives a shit about me, and the second was to find a good job. I came out ok with the job, with the exception of the pay, but finding a person, that was a different story. I really have no idea what is in store for me with Dennis. It will be interesting to see how the rest of this year plays out.

There are allot of questions I have no answers to, and no one to talk to who will listen or give me any advice. I have been trying to bid weekends off to spend time with him, but I have decided that although I will keep doing that for now, if I don't get them, oh well...I will try to trade, but we all know that is next to impossible, since everyone likes to have the weekends off.

My living situation is ok, for now, I found out that my roomates will not be selling the house for two years, so I have some time on that I guess. I do have to fix my car...again. I have the next three days to do that.

I am very scared to know what the road lies ahead for me, and what the outcome will be. I keep asking god for help and give me some direction.