Day by Day

For the past few weeks I have literally living day by day. At times it seems as if time itself stands still. Things with Dennis are ok, but I have noticed some things that still make me wounder. After the incident with his ithouch, he no longer leaves it in plane view, that is somewhere I can easily reach it. Is he hiding something...who knows. He really does not talk to me about work, although I ask him all the time how things are going. I am also finding out that even though he has yet to tell me, there is allot more to his past then I think he wants me to know. Also, he has asked allot of his friends to join his hockey team, but when I mention that maybe I will join, he really does not say too much. Is it because he thinks I wouldn't be a good player or what?

My ED has been an issue as well, probably because of all the things I am dealing with, with him. I don't want it to be an issue at all, but it is. And the medication does work, but there is planning that is involved with it, and its not been easy because I never really know when he wants to have sex.

Through all of this, I still love him, I think perhaps it is in part that he is the only thing I have left, I know that sounds bad, but I know its true. I do love him for many other reasons, too many to list here. The question I keep asking myself is, is it worth dealing with eveything else?

Whats funny is when we do spend time together, I can't seem to get enough of it. I love the way he is, such a cuddle whore and so loving and caring. I am pritty sure he loves me and cares about me, if he didn't he would not have helped me out they way he did this weekend giving me gas for my car and all when I had no money.

Week after week goes bye, and before I know it six month will have gone bye. Dennis talks about us going to Fairbanks in July and then Seattle in August. So I am guessing he wants to be with me. There have been other things though, that he has said to me that never really surfaced. Such as him telling me that he would put me on his health insurance. I don't know why but something told me that was allot of b.s.

What I cannot for the life of me understand is why he tells me he loves me and everything else, if he really does not want to be with me? I know he's no using me, because if he was, everything would be one sided and its not. So what is it? He says he wants to be with me, he says he loves me. What else can I ask for right?

I hope it is all true. I hope he is not just bullshitting me. If I loose him, I literally have nothing left. All I have ever wanted is someone to love, and them love me back, in every way possible. I hope he is the one. I want him to be the one, and this b.s. be over with. I am almost 30, and I don't want to play this game anymore. I am scarred, upset, depressed and just tired. I ask god why this is happening to me, and I still have no answer.

I hope things work out. I am still waiting for the schedule for May to come out, so I know weather or not I need to trade days on the 14th for the bus run, which I am determined to go on. Hopefully things work out. I pray that they do.

On Unstable Ground

Once again, it has been a while since I have posted anything on here. It seems that my troubles have gotten the best of me yet again.

Things with Dennis I feel are up and down. I think more and more that it just may be me that is having the ups and downs, but then again, I have always had good instincts. The fact that he is on Grindr and Manhunt bothers me. Not because I do not trust him, but more of that fact that other who are are there I simply do not trust. I have asked allot of people about this, and I have gotten both sides of the coin in regards to answer. Some say not to worry about it, since his profile does say he has a partner and he is not looking.

This whole thing started when I heard rumors from my room mates who heard from their friends that he had posted adds on craigslist. Of course, it was several months before I met him, the fact remains that he was one there. I have found however that I contradict myself. I had said to him that whatever happened in the past was in the past, and not to worry about it. I am now finding it hard to just forget about all that and move on. He had told me about past hookups he has had with certain people, but then I hear other stories from others that he had other encounters with people I do not even know.

In retrospect, I guess I really cannot speak very much since I myself am guilty of the same thing when I first got into college, but never the less it still bothers me. I keep asking why he has to be on there? Why can't he just use face book, or something to that affect. But then I remember that it is allot easier to talk to gay friends who are on a gay site, rather then a medium which is more generalized.

The fact is I know I love him, with all my heart. I think about him everyday, this is how I know. That and the fact that I worry so much, and loose sleep over it. Today is Friday and usually by 7 or 8 I would make my way over to his place. I will have to take the bus because I wrecked my car, so this will prove to be an adventure in itself. Of course this is assuming that he will answer my text, or message or whatever way I can get a hold of him. I am afraid that he will not answer and I will not get to see him, but I can still go over there, or worse of text Sara, his room mate which is a last resort.

I pissed off Rene to no end, and honestly I have only myself to blame. You would have thought that I would have learned my lesson when I had mentioned Stephen when him and I were still together, but I guess thats just another lesson I still need to learn, and now I will learn the hard way. Rene and I had come so far in becoming friends, our relationship was better then it was when we were dating, and now he will not talk to me at all, and I know not to call him.

It was wrong of me to mention Dennis to him. Even though he kept asking me what was wrong, I should have not given in to his demands. I love Rene to death, and would do anything for him, but the only thing I can do now is leave him alone. The more I bother him, the more I will piss him off.

I truly thought I would be happy after I got my job, but I am finding out the hard way something which I already knew was true. All the money and power in the world can not make up for having someone in your life who loves you no matter what. Sex, money whatever else you can think of cannot replace it, nothing can.

My fear that I will be left single is coming true. Men these days do not want to commit to anything, they fear being tied down to one person. Its easier to just get what you want and then walk away like nothing ever happened. To me it is childish, irresponsible and just wrong. But never the less, men do it all the time and think nothing of it. Like it was of no consequence, which in many was is true except for one thing. Your heart will never heal.

I have maintained for years that I would never become a person like that, and no matter what happens, I will stand my ground. I deserve better. I am a giving, loving person who has helped so many people and never expected anything in return.

The distance between me and Dennis is in my mind widening, and it will be very interesting to see what happens. I hope for my sake, and my heart that I am wrong. Otherwise my whole world and everything around it will come crashing down once again.

I pray that someday Rene will forgive me, if he knows me well enough, he knows I did not mean to heart him on purpose. I would never in a million years do that to him.

Please god help me, help me with Dennis, and let him be the last person I am ever with.