Day by Day

For the past few weeks I have literally living day by day. At times it seems as if time itself stands still. Things with Dennis are ok, but I have noticed some things that still make me wounder. After the incident with his ithouch, he no longer leaves it in plane view, that is somewhere I can easily reach it. Is he hiding something...who knows. He really does not talk to me about work, although I ask him all the time how things are going. I am also finding out that even though he has yet to tell me, there is allot more to his past then I think he wants me to know. Also, he has asked allot of his friends to join his hockey team, but when I mention that maybe I will join, he really does not say too much. Is it because he thinks I wouldn't be a good player or what?

My ED has been an issue as well, probably because of all the things I am dealing with, with him. I don't want it to be an issue at all, but it is. And the medication does work, but there is planning that is involved with it, and its not been easy because I never really know when he wants to have sex.

Through all of this, I still love him, I think perhaps it is in part that he is the only thing I have left, I know that sounds bad, but I know its true. I do love him for many other reasons, too many to list here. The question I keep asking myself is, is it worth dealing with eveything else?

Whats funny is when we do spend time together, I can't seem to get enough of it. I love the way he is, such a cuddle whore and so loving and caring. I am pritty sure he loves me and cares about me, if he didn't he would not have helped me out they way he did this weekend giving me gas for my car and all when I had no money.

Week after week goes bye, and before I know it six month will have gone bye. Dennis talks about us going to Fairbanks in July and then Seattle in August. So I am guessing he wants to be with me. There have been other things though, that he has said to me that never really surfaced. Such as him telling me that he would put me on his health insurance. I don't know why but something told me that was allot of b.s.

What I cannot for the life of me understand is why he tells me he loves me and everything else, if he really does not want to be with me? I know he's no using me, because if he was, everything would be one sided and its not. So what is it? He says he wants to be with me, he says he loves me. What else can I ask for right?

I hope it is all true. I hope he is not just bullshitting me. If I loose him, I literally have nothing left. All I have ever wanted is someone to love, and them love me back, in every way possible. I hope he is the one. I want him to be the one, and this b.s. be over with. I am almost 30, and I don't want to play this game anymore. I am scarred, upset, depressed and just tired. I ask god why this is happening to me, and I still have no answer.

I hope things work out. I am still waiting for the schedule for May to come out, so I know weather or not I need to trade days on the 14th for the bus run, which I am determined to go on. Hopefully things work out. I pray that they do.